Keinginan Hayati

lebaran sebentar lagi.
aku punya banyak salah ke orang, ke dunia, ke Tuhan; dan semestinya, orang juga banyak salah ke aku. dunia… dunia bisa punya salah nggak ya? Tuhan yang pasti nggak, karena semuanya ada hikmahnya, walaupun yang terjadi tidak sesuai dengan keinginan kita.
kadang-kadang yang salah dari manusia adalah keinginan itu sendiri, karena keinginan mau tidak mau terkait dengan jasmani, dengan sebuah kebutuhan yang duniawi. kadang-kadang aku ingin berhenti menginginkan sesuatu, demi menyucikan diri sesaat dan mencoba memfokuskan diri kembali pada hal-hal yang penting. namun siapa juga yang menentukan hal-hal penting selain kita juga, sebagai sebuah turunan dari keinginan?

kata temanku, berhenti menginginkan dan mempasrahkan semuanya pada yang di atas, membuat hidup lebih ringan, dan kita juga cenderung lebih bahagia. tapi, kok sepertinya kalau berhenti menginginkan, kehidupan kita akan kurang makna? menempuhi jalan yang baik di mata Tuhan maupun tidak sama-sama membutuhkan keinginan dan usaha dari yang bersangkutan. Tidak ada seorang anak murid diluluskan ujian hanya karena dia rajin berdoa. Tuhan memberi pada ia yang berusaha dan bertawakal.

aku ingin semuanya ini cepat selesai, kalaupun belum bisa disebut sudah selesai.

Untitled

aku senang hari ini, dan kemarin juga, seolah-olah ada sebuah beban yang terlepas dari pundakku dan hatiku. Sebuah ujian berat dan panjang sepertinya sudah berlalu, meninggalkan kewaspadaan dan sudut pandang baru. Aku tidak tahu seberapa jauh hal-hal telah berubah, namun aku ingin melihat hasilnya juga. Sebenarnya, tak banyak yang berubah, tapi paling tidak aku bisa melihatnya dengan sudut pandang yang berbeda.
Tentunya, banyak pertanyaan baru muncul, beberapa pernah juga dipertanyakan sebelumnya.

Apakah memang akan selalu seperti ini?

Kenyataan Jadi Mimpi?

mungkin memang semuanya hanya mimpi?
kalau kebanyakan orang, mereka akan senang apabila mimpinya jadi kenyataan…. entah kenapa, tiba-tiba aku senang dengan kenyataan, atau sebuah bentukan dari itu, menjadi mimpi saja…

aku akan mengarungi mimpiku kapanpun jua, dan mimpiku hanya milikku, tak dapat diusik oleh siapapun juga. toh, sebentuk mimpiku masih mungkin jadi kenyataan dalam cara lain, suatu saat…

mari bermimpi!

You’ll Never Find A Love Like Mine

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No one else!

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through

Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

(You're gonna) You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gone

I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

[what else is there to say?]

Rancangan Epilog

waktu pun berlalu, langkah pun berlalu, dan pintu tertutup. malam tanpa sinar menyelimuti, karena bulan dan bintang hilang diusir oleh kelompok awan yang mungkin membawa hujan sesaat lagi.
aku tak dapat berpikir lagi, aku hanya bisa melangkah. aku tidak bisa diam, karena apabila aku diam dalam cuaca ini, aku akan mati kedinginan.
aku menyesal

aku menyesal.

Spontaneous Reflection?

When trying to describe a friend, my fingers stumbled upon this sentence by accident:

you are so narcissistic, you tend to be a perfectionist to yourself, which sometimes leads to feeling inadequate

somehow applies for me as well, eh?

Cuplikan Pembicaraan

noni: gue belom pernah ke serpong
barijoe: iya, rumah gue di serpong
noni: jadi kalo lu pulang naik apa?
barijoe: naik bis
noni: sampai bsdnya?
barijoe: oh nggak, gue di puspiptek, bsd kan cuma sebagian dari serpong
noni: puspiptek.. ada ‘tek’nya, pasti teknologi… pasti bokap lu ya
barijoe: iya
noni: o iya, bokap lu kan ahli nuklir se-indonesia… ahli nuklir dan atom se-indonesia
barijoe: radiofarmaka.
noni: o itu istilahnya ya?
barijoe: pengobatan nuklir. jadi-
noni: bokap lu punya pengobatan nuklir buat hati gue nggak?
sesaat berlalu.
barijoe: kalo iya, pasti gue udah minta duluan
noni: (tertawa) pembicaraan ini bagus ya… harusnya dicatat.

tercatatlah pembicaraan ini.

Reflection On A Significant Milestone

From last year’s first post:

Today… is the first day… of a somewhat new era.
Although i still have unfinished business of my past life, the gateway has been past.

Today, i start a new job, in a sort of new life, because through the past few months, so many things have changed around me and within me, and so i call today a new life. When before i worked at various small companies.. today i start working at a relatively big company, in a big building and all. The prospect of a new job, a new life alone is a bit intimidating for me, not to mention the trappings that go with the job.

Suddenly, i feel a wave of loneliness overcoming, as this new experience, this new life, comes with no one to share it with. And, just for a minute there while i was on the bus, i got a glimpse into the future, the monotony, the routine, of going to the same office, going to the same cubicle… and the apparent emptiness of it all.

So with this new life… i start something i’ve never really done before, which is… start a blog, and share with the world my feelings and thoughts.

Let’s see where the day carries me.

Here we go…
The steps I made, after a year, compared to what I wrote on my first post:
My unfinished business of my past life is somewhat settled, although the so-called new life brings about its own share of problems.

the job gets more strenuous by the minute, but I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way. the life that goes with the job, is, well, rather tiring adn exciting at the same time. Things still change around me, and as they say, the only thing that stays constant in life is change itself anyway. I think I will be staying at this company for a couple of years, at least until I get everything going and get my act together. The job is okay, if not good.

Those waves of loneliness still come and go, but I have found a way to handle it.. well, most of the time. I still yearn to share my insignificant moments… but sometimes it’s also good to keep and cherish them inside for future reference. The work is definitely not monotonous; I have a whole office room with a good view in place of the earlier cubicle, and I finally find that solitude has its own set of comforts.

Sharing and communicating has become a theraputic habit.

I can’t say that my life is outstandingly great, but I think I can say that it is better.

The days wil become weeks, months and years…

I Just Can’t Help Sharing This

Woman: It’s a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What’s her name? …Um…Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

[taken from Overheardinnewyork]

Back On Track

Thanks to a tip from the id-mac mailing list, I got this ultimately techie thing to add to my ever-expanding list of high-tech gadgets:

[for those not in the know, this is a Nokia CA-42 Data Cable for connecting a Nokia 6585 phone to a computer, for data transfer and using the phone as a modem]

So now… I am back to the world of nocturnal unlimited internet! Yay!
This means:
– more time online, more chances to go online
– more work done
– more flexibility
– and most importantly… more blog posts!