Archive | April 2005

Morning Questions

It’s never easy, is it? There will always be a factor that complicates things up to another level. It can never be simple, no matter how stubbornly I want it to be simple. I’d have to admit, it has a lot to do with my age, more so to the considerations, priorities and reservations of it rather than physical age.
Some friends say I think too much… but well, I can’t help it. That’s why I spend a lot of time with my friends, to stop me from thinking too much.
If you know something’s doomed to fail, well, at least, you’re pretty sure it is, would you do it anyway, if it made you happy, just for a bit? Would the memory be more hurtful rather than not having a memory at all? We never really know the answer to this, as the circumstances bringing us to this dillema are never the same, what we want, think and need are never the same, and what might happen is never the same either. The dillema, the ultimately unanswerable dillema, remains the same. I must have a knack of creating dillemas out of thin air. Dillema, anyone? I sell them wholesale.
This is a test for me; I don’t want to be afraid of stepping ahead anymore. I mean, who can tell, there could be some benefit to it, right? (Despite advice to the contrary…)

I’m taking off to Kuala Lumpur this afternoon. It’s for work, but hopefully there are other benefits as well…

Million Dollar Baby

An absolutely astounding movie. Absolutely astounding. A tale of a female boxer, and her trainer, but not quite what you’d expect from a boxing movie per se. There are fights, all right, but the fights all occur more inside the heart rather than the boxing ring. There are bits of the story, in hindsight, seemed unnecessary, and gave the impression that it was intentionally inserted to add to the ‘heart’ factor of the story; but even this does not diminish the experience we get from watching the movie, and the sad little subplot given eventually earns an integral position within the story.
I cheered, I broke my heart, I laughed, I cried, when watching the movie, even getting confused at some points. It takes you through the very human struggles of essentially non-persons in a Hollywood world of superheroes, tricked-up cars and spacecraft, and we cheer their very human triumphs and sympathise their very human failures.
The movie had personal impact also on me, as it is essentially a tale of love between the boxer and her trainer. All the elements are there; the arguments, the devotion, the dedication, the small loving gestures, the compromises, and the visions together. It’s not a love story as Hollywood would generally portray it, but it is a love story nevertheless. A love, not quite platonic, not the least bit sexually charged, but a strong and binding love all the same. The love you feel for those people who you would like to think are family but actually aren’t, the love for the friend who rain or shine has always just been there, and, perhaps unique to my case, the simply unconditional love you feel to those close to you; and often misunderstood, even by myself.

An [Open] Letter Of Goodbye

Hi.

How are you? Hope you’re doing okay. Really. I never could gather any conclusions from our brief SMSs here and there, which always ended with a bit of anger, on my side at least. I do not know if you’re fine, but I genuinely hope you are.
How was the trip out of town the other day, good? Hope you got some stuff out of your system; if I know you, and I think I do, you’ll bounce back easily any time. I bet you already have a couple of things going on, and on the verge of moving to a new place. You’ll always have your friends, and certainly an assortment of men who adore you, for your comfort, joy, and happiness. You will always have that unbreakable self-confidence, and that ultimately charming smile.
With you, it was never about recovery, bouncing back and all. It’s about the wounds inside. If somebody does you harm, you never forgive them. Well… I can’t say I really forgive anyone, but I’d like to think that when I finally understand the big picture, usually I can let it go and let life go on. Life is too short; and although my heart is big enough to love the world (or so I’d like to think), it’s too small to hold in hatred or longing of revenge, to anybody.
I cannot say that we have been friends (or maybe had been, would be more appropriate to your perspective) for a long time; around 6 months to be exact. In those 6 months, we have been with each other almost every day, from just eating out at lunch, to sneaking out to watch a movie when work got boring, looking (and daydreaming) at electronics and other sorts of stuff, and dinner at insignificant places. I was always suprised at how somebody who claims to be as sophisticated as you are, never minded going to the places I went, and never was very fussy (when you can be very fussy). You loved talking about your thoughts, your dreams, to the point that I thought you were a pompous ass, but then again, I adored you for it. You always had these dreams on making it big and how to do it, and I never had the heart to shoot down those ideas, although that’s what I usually do. When you talked about your dreams, your eyes lighted up with more life and passion, and I adored that too.
You never really talked about work, you just talked more of the people who you worked with. Alhthough I saw some fault in how you sometimes handled situations (and the people involved), I never had the heart to say something, because I figured you knew better anyway, and who am I to give you advice? You were otherwise pretty secretive about your work, even scolding me when I let it slip to another friend of yours on where you worked. So I never knew what was going on, and I didn’t think it was my business either, when you didn’t talk about it to me. In hindsight, perhaps I should have made it my business, and you’d still be here.
You always talked about all these men you dated, a guy from here, or there, or wherever… and at one part, I never knew why you consistenly shared all this with me, on the other hand, I always knew it was just part of your daily game of flirting. You big flirt. And yes, I adored that too… I had always wondered on when the game would stop and you’d just be yourself with me; sometimes you were, but at other points, the game was on again, and I don’t like to lose. Believe me, I knew all the moves, and I laughed inside when you still made them. I even adored that. It went to show that the game was more important to you than any actual progress on any front.
To a point, you could become unconciously childish, and bottom line, I guess that was the paradox that I adored most, you being the outwardly mature person you are.
Since I more or less understood you, I adored you, but maybe not enough, since I did not care to point out what I thought was wrong in your ways (although on some points I did, out of utter frustration of your consistent game-playing). I never liked on how you treated some people, and your absolute refusal to withdraw to a more accomodative stance (but I do remember one instance, where if I may pride myself, I finally was able to formulate the right words to give input without breaking your ever-high pride). I never liked on how you sometimes treated me, but since I knew why you did it, I forgave you, and adored you still. Deep down inside, I wanted to be patient enough for you to see with your own eyes, the error of your perspectives; well, at least how I see them wrong… that’s why it was important for you to find out and see for yourself, and not having me tell you everything. You never ever listened to me, did you? And I even adored that, and I knew in the end you would listen to me anyway, only depended on when you finally did.
I am not suprised that instead of asking yourself some hard questions, you channeled (and still channel) your anger and frustration to me, and to other people. Well, I could tell you whatever I could figure out from the aftermath, but then again, that all could be just assumptions; only you yourself eventually should know what went wrong. I could spend days arguing with you what I thought went wrong, I can picture it now; you’d always be on the defensive, and I’d spend my time repeating and rewording my thoughts and explanations. It would be worth it, but only if you hear me out. Sometimes you just have to stop being angry, stop arguing, listen, and then think it over. You have not given me that chance, and I don’t think you ever will. As time goes by, you’d pretend it didn’t happen on the surface, but remember in intricate detail of everything that occured.
I worry about you, you know. There was always that feeling that you were hiding something from me, but I could always smell people burying problems a mile away. You never shared, and I understood, you didn’t have to. Didn’t make me stop worrying about you. Now after all that has happened, I worry about you more.
Let’s get one thing straight: of course, as a warm-blooded man, I had an occasional attraction to you, as you are very attractive; but I never thought of it further than that. The fact that I didn’t think you were ready for a real relationship made our connection more to friends, best friends perhaps. In my book, maybe not exactly best friends, as although I knew how you were, I didn’t know why you were; I hardly knew your history, your pain, your joy. I only knew that you needed to be loved, cared for, and I willingly gave what I have with patience, hoping it would help. I’m not so sure it did.
I’m not so sure I had an effect on anything, since in your mind, I know that you think of me as just one of those men who had a crush on you and turned around to hurt you. Well, you can forget about the crush, and you can forget about the hurting part, too. I know, inevitably, that my non-action contributed to your hurt, but in all plausible scenarios, there was nothing I could do. It pains me to think that you hate me, if I can use the extremities of the word ‘hate’ to describe what you feel, but there’s no other way, either…
Although I still miss you terribly, and I worry about you, I see no point in continuing to do so, as you do not appreciate me, appreciate what we have been through, and appreciate what I did for you. Before you do, I cannot call you friend anymore. Although it pains me to do so, I am writing this to say goodbye. Goodbye. If we meet again, hopefully everything will be in a better situation, but until then, I vow to stop missing and worrying about you.
Please remember to take care in what you do, and to treat people with love and appreciation. I don’t guarantee that people will love and appreciate you back, but at least the effort would make it worthwhile anyway.
May you find the way that’s best for you.

Goodbye.

Ouch… Ouch… Ouch

Yesterday morning I went to the gym with Alfa, after having Jacky and Yadi stay over at my place (more of that later). We met up there at 9 AM, and started the routines; treadmill, stationary bike, and that cardio-whatever thing, Natural Runner or something… then I stupidly did some unsupervised sit-ups. I did them on one of those slanted platforms; and did them from the slanted position and pulled myself upright 15 times. It didn’t feel right, and now my entire abdomen is in pain in testament of that mistake. Ouch… ouch… ouch…
I had a healthy (!) salad lunch with Alfa later, then hooked up with a couple of other friends for some pool… Ok, I think I can safely say I’m getting better, since I won almost all the games. I can expand my game to start thinking about strategy, and not worry too much about getting the ball in the first time. He he.
Yadi and Jacky were staying over because we want to participate in a TV design competition, so we were up the night before talking concepts, drawing and sketching stuff. We’re pretty excited with our concept; but now I think we’ll have to be realistic about the time we have left to do the actual work, as the deadline is on May 1st, and I have to be out of town for half the week. Things would be better if I could install Mechanical Desktop on my laptop, but I tried several times yesterday, I couldn’t. Perhaps it’s a version incompatibility thing; who knows. I’ll try again later lah… In the meantime, I still haven’t prepared for the trip to KL… but I’ll get around to it.
Tomorrow morning, I want to try going to the gym in the morning (as opposed to after work), which would probably be more refreshing. Well.. depends on how much sleep I get the night before, I guess.
Sometimes I’m suprised on how little time I have to do a lot of stuff, when at other times I have so much time on my hands, I’m bored to death. I guess, it is a general dillema.
OK, time to start thinking my strategy. What strategy, you may ask? The days will tell their tales when they come. 😀

Just A Little Bit

The war, as usual, is more within than without. I have to… stop thinking too much and go with my gut. At least, while I still have a gut, I plan to get rid of it, well part of it. I need to lose some of this weight. I still do not know what to make of the past few days since my last post… so I won’t write about them.
Just wanna keep this smile on my face, with or without reason.
Boyz II Men is still on. I can’t wait!
I better prepare the stuff for the trip next week…

Smiling

Perhaps, to some extent, I feel happy. Happy with apprehension, but still happy. I am not sure what will happen the next couple of days, but, I’d rather keep my hopes up to keep my total energy level up. So rather than thinking too much, I’m just savoring the moments that go by. Planning is for work, for money flow, for trips out of town; but this, I don’t think you can plan it, at least not now. At least, I have something to smile about.
So it’s smiles all around nowadays. I’ve been doing something for the past week that was very entertaining, and maybe had some deeper meaning for me; but I’m not getting into that. I don’t want to think. All I’m thinking is that it just has to go on, or else the moment will just disappear, and never surface again. So… I’m also hanging on to it, and smiling about it along the way.
I have a mild temprature, and a headache to boot, so work will be slow today (although there is much that I have to do). I have to plan another overseas trip at the end of the month, so I can come back in time for the Boyz II Men concert on May 2nd! Finally, I’ll be able to watch them live, after a cancelled show last year. Hopefully, I’ll be able to watch it with a certain someone. 🙂
That would give me something more to smile about.

Don’t Know What Else To Say

I’m not sure what to tell of the past few days… but I’ll share with you this song, which I have been listening to constantly for the past few months.

Still Fighting It – Ben Folds Five

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo’s only $9.95
It’s okay, you don’t have to pay
I’ve got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you ‘bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
You’ll try and try and one day you’ll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird

It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
Tt hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
Oh, we’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it

And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry